Dying Iris

I am going to make everything around me beautiful 

- that will be my life.

                                           Elsie Dewolfe

Some days some quotes hit you like a ton of bricks.

When for weeks,

life has seemed like an uphill battle where 

EVERYTHING 

is going wrong.

Then, 

just like that

the winds change

and life starts to move you in an entirely 

different        

            direction...

...with one less obstacle in your way.

Welcome to the Fuck it Forties!

The night before my birthday is really my New Year's Eve.
There is anticipation and reflection, and projection and planning.  What do I want for this next year?

This is a big year for me.  I feel it deeply.  I have reached my stride and found where I belong.  I know who I am and what I love.   I'm here and I'm totally fine with where this is.

This is my year to Flourish.  To get better, to make better, to shine.  I don't need to struggle with figuring myself out; I'm figured.  And I'm good.

So, this is my plan:
3 days a week yoga (I managed a pretty consistent year last year, but not quite 3 days)
Eating well and juicing. (Yay for $5 juicer at ARC)
Personal writing (more of it, either here or in a journal)
Professional writing (Perhaps an article about the farm, and a couple more grants)
Another 52 photo project (I'm thinking 52 of Us)
Expand on Dog Photog.  (More than my once a week at the HS-perhaps for social change?)
The Farm (This requires a whole planning session of its own.  There is so much...)
Go to another conference. (Like a GOOD one.)
Organize some workshops...

Last year was a year to establish myself in the Community, to show what I am capable of and perhaps (without knowing it) to prove myself.  This is my year to shine, to flourish and expand on what I started.  I think the hard part is over (I think?), feeling fear and facing my critic.  I learned that if I just do, if I move past the what ifs and into possibility, than I can DO anything.  And I did.

So, here I am at 40.  (Toronto time, where I was born.)  This is my year, my 'Fuck It' year, and I am so very excited to take it all on.

The Beginning.

“For last year's words belong to last year's language

And next year's words await another voice.

And to make an end is to make a beginning."

~ T.S. Eliot

Today is a New Year.
I said I would sleep in but the habit of waking early with the sun was too strong,
to go to the farm, to get things done,
to be One with the goats and the chickens and the rabbits,
despite the cold,
despite flurries,
in the orange glow of a new day...

The End.

I passed the torch, for today.
And reflect on this past year and the next.

And after I crashed into a mailbox and she gave me a bottle of wine.
4:44 The Universe said.
A sign.
That everything is OK.
To trust
To Believe.

"Enjoy in small bits." she said
Just a glass.

These were the first words,
in another voice.
Turning not so good into a celebration.

The beginning.

Both Sides Now.

It's hard to wrap my head around...

New and Old.

Life and Death.

This is the miracle.

To watch the twitching, smiling, innocent face of my new sleeping cousin,

And the still and shallow breath of my Nan.

These are right now.

This is Life.

Real and Raw.

The beginning and an end.

A Gift

I'm not really sure what happened, or what I think...

But, I know that it's a gift.

Everything is.

To be involved and on purpose

To be IN tune and INtentional

To feel fulfilled and growthFULL

To know...

Yes.

To know.

I had a dream.

This is my happy place.

Outside, doing farm chores,

troubleshooting goats

chickens

rabbits.

Despite the cold and snot dripping from my nose,

garden gloved fingertips that feel the prick and burn of freezing.

I AM in this place.

I AM all of me and more.

A time for every purpose under heaven.

I was reminded of this lately.  Nearly 20 years ago.

Time Flies...

And with it we ride the wave of good and bad, 

We change.

We grow.

We get better.

And, we remember how awesome a time we once had.

Slow Money

Louisville.

Edge of my seat, 

breath held,

knees aching and buckled.

A pivotal moment, momentum carried from momentum before.

This was a game-changer for me.

This is just the beginning.

The start of a new Conversation about Investing in Sustainability.

I Am

My muse.

In front and behind the lens.

Beautiful

Strong

Happy

Loved

Free

It wasn't always so.

Now I Am.

More time to myself.

I need

More time to myself.

Both physically and mentally.

That's what I realize today.

Alive.

I think this is worthy of posting...

...getting here has been a process.

Ups

and downs.

Struggles.

Joys.

Breakthrough.

Looking at this image, makes me feel alive.

The perfect muse.

It's official.  Four of my prints are out in the world, decorating someone's mantel, or piano, or dresser, or fridge. A constant reminder of how deeply one can love, how unconditionally and beautifully.

This is Charlie and he is 12.  He was the perfect muse.

Working with less than ideal.

Not every Friday yields a collection of perfect dog shots. This Friday I forgot my 50mm lens and had to work with my zoom, big and clunky, not ideal. I sent my first dog back (ever) having taken no photo-the barking, growling and erratic behaviour turned me off. And the kennel after kennel with poop covered floor, and no cleaner people in sight, seemed to demand more attention than snapping a shot. These are just words, the reality is much gloomier. If you can, volunteer. There are just not enough volunteers.

Two good dogs.

I took him out to play in the off-leash area.  He was good.  He sat and smiled.  I could tell he was smart, that he would be a good dog, and I thought about how good he would be to be mine.

Moments after putting him back in his kennel, he got adopted by a family with a 48 acre ranch.  

He and they both got lucky today.

This guy was my second favourite.  He was good too.  

It was hard to walk away as he watched me through the bars.

They were both Shepherd mixes.

Lessons from a PowWow.

It has been more than a month since this PowWow, and too long to wait to finish a project.  The weight of obligation weighs heavy, avoidance is futile.  Today I will deliver 50 of my best images and hope that they are happy.  I do hope.

Proof.

I took this at my friend Sarah's wedding this summer.  It's of my good friend Lara and her wee one.  She posted it to Facebook and received so many compliments on it, and, after studying and studying this shot, I get that.  The composition is good, the subjects are good, the location is awesome, but then I, the photographer, start to look at how it could be better.  

I'm trying to decide if that's good or not.

Lara wrote me to tell me how appreciative she is to have this memory.  To have a picture of her and her son, at this point in her, his and their, lives.  And I'm so glad.

I know this is a good picture for that.  And I know I will get better technically.  Perhaps instead of looking at this photo as an either/or, I will feel proud that I provided this proof and learn from it.

Thanks Lara for being my muse.

My Nanny.

"I've had a good life."  She said to me.  Our entire trip culminating to that moment, perhaps the last time I will get to see her.  I held on to every word, every story, the veins in her face and in her hands.  

"Do you have any advice for me?"  "No," she said "I think you're doing just fine.

So many.

This is what I do every Friday evening. This is one of two such rooms that I have access to.  There are more but they are for the injured and aggressive and, in a way, I don't want to go there.  This is enough.  This is more than enough.

11 dogs

I figure it takes me about 10 minutes per dog to get a 'good enough' picture.  At first I would try and try for the perfect shot, despite no interest in treats or toys, despite not wanting to make eye contact.  Now, I recognize when it's not going to happen, when someone is not interested and I just have to move on.  Usually, then, I take the most forward facing profile, as they watch other dogs or distractions.  Tonight I had one of those, an Australian Shepherd who was just happy to be outside.  Can you spot him?

These 2 were my challenge photo.  They are a bonded pair, tiny and shivering, who seemed like they had never been approached with love or kindness.  The trick here was to capture them together, to show their bond and convince someone to give them a go.  I do so hope they get placed together. They seem to be all each other has in the world.

Good dogs.

For every one of these, there are 20 looking away, barking, licking lips, dodging me and my camera...some dogs have so much pent up energy, have done so much sitting and waiting in a smallish kennel, surrounded by walls and barking, not sure of what comes next.  For some my 10 minutes is all the outside they'll get for awhile, precious and fleeting.  Sometimes I put my camera down and just let them be.  The big ones usually want to sniff and run, the littler ones tend to want to sit in my lap, licking and being pet. Some are scared but most are happy.

  All of them are good dogs.